Acceptance? Speech

As cliche as this may be, I feel like I have some people to thank for my success. I know this had little to do with me.

• 12 of my dates were set up by another person. There is NO WAY I could have won without the help of those who set me up. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! What great people I have been able to meet and hope to keep in touch with. Jon's drive would have slaughtered me were it not for my wonderful friends setting me up!
• Too many people to name were cheering for me! I can't even tell you how many people--even strangers--would come up to me and tell me how much they loved reading the blog and they were rooting for me, as the only girl, to win. Several people said they would do whatever it takes to see me win...I think they wanted it more than I did! I am truly grateful to my supporters.
• I have the most wonderful, amazing, supportive roommates ever! They were there for me when the hard times in the race came along and I didn't think I could go on anymore. They never stopped encouraging and comforting me. And they gave me some girl time so I didn't go insane...not that boy time isn't good...but you girls understand, right?
• I am thankful for all of you!! I have been watching as the votes come in and WOW! That many people even read this blog?? Honestly, thanks everyone.
• The men who went on dates with me! Definitely could not have won this competition without all of you. I went into every date expecting and planning to pay; I had planned on spending more than $200 this month and ended up spending less than $30. Regardless of who paid, everyone I went out with was a gentlemen. Thank you.
• Mostly, I am thankful to my Father in Heaven. He was more comforting and encouraging than anyone. It sounds a little weird to publicly thank Him on a blog for a dating competition, but He alone knows how much it really changed me.

I have to say, when the idea of this competition came about I told the boys I didn't want to do it because I would be so embarrassed when I didn't get any dates and they had a lot. I honestly did not think I would get more than 6 dates the entire month, and that was pushing it! I am grateful for the opportunities this competition has provided me.

I would like to offer a challenge to each of you:

If you are single, do something like this. No, I'm not saying you should try to go on a bunch of first dates in a month, start a blog and write about it. In fact, I'm not sure I would wish that on anyone. :) BUT, I am saying that you need to set some personal goals for dating this year. And make them hard goals! It is good for us all to get out of comfort zones a little bit and do something that scares us. And, as singles, we really do need to be dating more often. If we all do it together it won't be as scary.

If you are married, remember how much fun you have with your spouse and plan dates with them! And go out often. Remind yourselves why you fell in love with each other. No, I know nothing about married life, but I do know that this is important and can only do good things for your marriage.

And Jon is right...while I am (as I'm sure my date will be) grateful for a free date, the lessons I have learned from this are definitely the greater prize.

Oh yeah, and Happy Groundhog Day! Watch that first step, it's a dooooozy!

Honestly...

As the last week is coming to a close, I'd like to say something about honesty in dating. I've wanted people to realize this for years. I hope it doesn't sound negative.

We tend to create a ton of problems in dating by trying to be nice (I'm talking most specifically about what people do when they know they're being pursued by someone that they aren't interested in). I've noticed that girls tend to be a little more sensitive than guys are when it comes to rejection. And when a guy is pursuing a girl (again, this is a generalization that doesn't apply to everyone), she puts herself in his situation and decides that it's better to let him down softly than hurt his feelings. The problem? The guy usually doesn't catch her subtle hints because he's so optimistic about the relationship he ignores negative signs. I've experienced this too many times. Don't get me wrong. Lots of guys love how sensitive girls are. It just doesn't translate well in certain situations, especially when it comes to dating.

For example: Once I had a major crush on 2 girls. At length I decided to pursue one of the girls (even though I was wild about both of them). She ignored my phone calls and made excuses for weeks before I finally pinned her down and asked her on another date. In the end she still had to tell me she wasn't interested. But she wasted so much of my time that I no longer had a chance at a relationship with the other girl (yes, I was still wild about her--and I later found out she had been wild about me at the time too). The first girl was trying to let me down softly, but she did way more damage than good.

At the end of one date I had, the girl told me at the doorstep that she wasn't interested in a second date. While there was a little sting to it, my next reaction was to give her a high five and thank her for being so honest about it. Yeah, I liked her...but if she's not interested, there isn't much I can do to change that.

Guys are sometimes guilty of this problem as well, but in my experience girls are far more commonly guilty of this (again, maybe some of you have experienced something completely different).

One thing I've noticed this month is that some girls seem to never pick up the phone. I've never been sure of whether or not to leave a message (girls, maybe you can enlighten me. I'm kind of awkward with voice messages), so I usually don't leave any messages. I think it's rude to ask someone out that way. Anyways, I don't know if these girls haven't picked up the phone because they don't want to be part of the competition (and are waiting to see if I call them next month), if they just don't want to go out with me, or if they just don't pick up the phone to unidentified phone numbers (even if that "stranger" calls them multiple times in a week). Whatever the case, I'd like to give a public response:
If you don't pick up the phone to "strangers," sometimes you miss out on good things (like a date). Just sayin...
If you don't want to go out with me, just tell me! Most guys have multiple girls they're interested in, and would appreciate knowing one of them doesn't return the feeling.
Lastly, if you are testing me to see if I ask you out in February (to see if I was sincere about the date and not just asking you out for the competition), you may be disappointed. It's not about whether or not I really want to go out with you; it's about whether or not I think you want to go out with me. In case you haven't noticed, I've been out with a lot of amazing girls--most of which I'd like to have follow-up dates with. You have to realize that there are other girls who haven't avoided me that I'm interested in. If I called you to ask you out, I wanted to take you out, but I can't say I will want to take you out when I start going on follow-up dates with these other girls.

Disclaimer: I realize that some girl who reads this is likely to have a bad experience being honest about her feelings toward someone, and he will overreact, get defensive, cry, whatever. I am sorry if it happens to you--it's the exception to the rule. Almost every guy I know (even sensitive guys) would much rather have an honest open conversation about it than have the girl be to afraid of hurting his feelings.

I'm excited to see who wins the race (I'm afraid I'm not closing the gap fast enough), and what happens to our (Shayla, Eric and my) dating life in the next several weeks. Shayla, you're on! :)

What Eric has learned

So since Shayla and Jon have both done this, I figure I'd better post something on the subject as well. Though, I'm not as intelligent as they are, I don't think as deeply, and I haven't been on as many dates, so I don't have very much to say.

First off, I might end up saying some things that could offend some people. I hope not to, but if I do... I'm not sorry, and it's probably your fault if you get offended (honest). What I've learned more than anything is that this is what I should have been doing since I got home from my mission - focus on dating. As has been mentioned before, most of us in the LDS young single adult world have heard, read or at least heard about Elder Oaks' talk on Dating vs Hanging Out. I heard this just before I came home from my mission for the first time. So I knew that I was supposed to be focusing on dating, rather than hanging out. For the last (almost) 3 years, I have been trying to do just that. Over the summer, I set a goal to go on one date a week, and I only missed twice. I thought that was pretty good! However, since being involved in this "Dating Race", I've realized that I wasn't completely focused on dating over hanging out. So my lesson is for the guys:

You need to be dating. You need to be asking girls out regularly. You need to experience rejection, awkwardness, and how much MORE fun dating is than hanging out. Grow up, get out of High School mode, and ASK GIRLS OUT. I promise, you won't regret it. My mom suggested to me to ask 3 girls out, and then once you understand them pretty well, drop one and ask another out in her place, so you continuously are dating 3 girls (without strong commitment at first) until you realize what it is you want in a girl, and pick that one! I'm not that organized, so I won't necessarily follow that plan, but I do plan on being more continuous in my efforts to date. I know of a lot of young single men, returned missionaries, who lackadaisically hang out with groups of people regularly, as a replacement to dating. Let me tell you - if you're one of them - it doesn't work. I've learned that there is a best way to do most things, and for furthering yourself in the Lord's plan - DATING is it. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the OCCASIONAL group activity, but that should NOT be your primary social interaction with others. If I were speaking or something I'd probably repeat that. But here I can tell you to read it again. Read it again. :) It makes me sad to hear of amazing young single adult women who haven't been on a date in a while, because it means that very few guys are asking girls out. I would say that more than 50% of the girls you ask out would be willing to at least go out once with you. Yeah, you'll get rejected and probably hurt. That's life. I can also tell you that if you make dating less formal and more fun, that it will be more fun, and less formal! Weird, huh? A first date is just that - a first date. Don't worry so much, just have fun!

Anyways, I'll get off my soap-box. I don't even know if anyone will read it and care, but that's how I feel about it.

So. That's what I have to say to the guys. About the girls. There are so many amazing young ladies out there. I haven't dated a ton of them, but throughout my life I've gotten to know many, and I couldn't be more amazed at your strength and goodness. There is nothing more beautiful than a pure, modest woman who knows who she is and lives like she knows it. My mom and sisters are a good example - if you need one. (Sorry, I hope I don't embarrass you girls by saying that, but it's true!)

Also, I've learned that people are more interested in dating stories and things like this than I thought.  I'm amazed at how many follow this blog.

And lastly, Jon and Shayla, you amaze me. I thought that 10 dates would be enough to keep me in close rankings with you guys, but I was so wrong! I am thoroughly impressed. Molodtsi! (Translation: Great job!)

Last Week Thoughts...

*DISCLAIMER* This will probably be the most random and long blog post you have ever read. And, being a girl, it jumps from one thought process to another. Hopefully you can endure to the end!

One week from today is the last day of the race. I have had a lot on my mind recently. Those of you who have been out with me may have noticed that I like to get you talking...what you may not have realized is that I do this because I hate being vulnerable. I do realize, however, that that vulnerability is part of what forces us to grow. It is that vulnerability that I am once again opening up to our readers.

I need your feedback. I realize most of you are like me and don't like to share your thoughts, but if you are willing I would really appreciate your comments on this post. Usually I would ask Jon and Eric to proofread a post like this before putting it up, but today I'm just going for it.

You see, I am not sure what to do...

I don't know what the protocol will be for the end of the race. There are several amazing men that I have met that I would love to go out with again. What is the protocol? Traditionally (and I'm not going to lie, comfortably) speaking, I would sit back and hope they ask me out. However, I am worried that that won't happen. And truthfully, I know I still need to take some responsibility in encouraging those that I really would like to see again. I suppose that is one of the roles of a girl...prodding men in a certain direction. :) I'm just not sure how to do it.

You see, I am worried that my dates still feel like a number. In fact, some men have told me they won't go out with me because they refuse to be a number. I suppose can understand that, I assign them a number at the end of every date and post a synopsis for the world to read. Then I likely don't talk to them because I'm too busy going on more dates. However, if they are just a number, I have failed. I have already lost the race. I know for a fact that there is no way to make some of these men realize that I would not date them just to win a competition--they just don't know me well enough. How could they? We've been out once. But the fact of the matter is I have gone out with some great men this month. But if that's it? If I go out with these men in January just so I can win a competition, I might as well have not participated.

This month has been emotionally and physically taxing. It has thrown off my sleep schedule, my eating and workout regime, my work schedule, my stress level (sorry to those of you who had to see that!) and my social life...pretty much every aspect of my life. I mentioned previously I have been stood up, cancelled on, avoided and ignored. I'll admit that when any of these things happen I have a REALLY hard time calling them again--in most cases I just chicken out and don't do it. It's not worth "the number" to me. But you know what? I think maybe all of this is just what I needed. Sometimes I think it's good to uproot everything you are comfortable with and see what happens. Then you can take aspects from your "new" life and integrate them into the tried and true.

I'm not gonna lie, I am excited to have friends again in February. When you have a significant other you lose your friends because you are spending all of your time with one person...but you are growing closer to that person. When you do a dating race you lose your friends because you are spending all of your time with a lot of different people, and not growing particularly close to any of them. Needless to say, it will be good to have some "girl time" again.

I realize the tone of this post is a bit depressing. Don't get me wrong, even if i never see any of these men again I'm glad I did it. In most ways I feel like not matter what the count is in the end, I have won. I have had some great experiences that I would not have had otherwise. If I never saw any of these men again (which won't be the case, just saying), they have given me something great by allowing me the opportunity to learn from them.

I will admit, I have no tricks up my sleeve for the last week of the race. I'll be happy if I make it through the week without having a mental breakdown. :) Truthfully, I am running out of steam--it is HARD to ask people out. Men, I commend you. You have it rough. It is HARD to be happy and excited and first-date material all the time...but I have learned so much and don't regret my decision to be in this race.

Thank you to all of you for reading our blog this month. I love the conversations I have had with so many people face-to-face about my participation in this competition. I love that you are so involved, rooting for me, finding me dates, and supporting me even if you don't fully agree with the competition.

And thank you again to everyone I have been out with this month--both on and off the record. You all have so much to offer, remember that.

I am fully mentally prepared to be beat by Jon (sorry Eric, you're not a threat...), but I am going to go out yelling at the top of my lungs, "CARPE DIEM!" For I have truly seized the day.

A New Perspective

I've been meaning for quite a while to update you with the lessons I've learned this month so far. At the beginning of the month I had specific ideas of what would happen this month. However, there have been things that have caught me completely off-guard. So here are some moments that have changed my perspective on dating:

• With just over a week left in the competition, I guess I can admit to Eric and Shayla that there have been times when I considered giving up. This competition is very exhausting. I have spent tons of time planning date activities, deciding who to take to each activity, and calling girls. After the date, I have to make sure I remember to post the blog entry within 24 hours (which can be really difficult sometimes), and I often stay up late at night on the computer. The dates were all fun and worth it, but it hasn't gotten any easier asking girls out and planning dates.
• Coming up with a best quality, highlight, what I admired, and descriptive word has probably changed my perspective more than anything else. I haven't ever been in the habit of doing this on my dates, so it's been hard sometimes to remember the small details of the date. One day a dawn of realization hit me when everything I've written in those areas is something I'm looking for in a relationship. The best quality is generally the most important thing to me about her. The things I admire are the ways I want to be treated. And the highlights are the moments I want to share the most.
• In paying attention to the positive things about my dates, I've noticed things about each of these girls that I'm sure most people don't notice. This has made each of these girls that much more attractive to me. I've decided that even after this competition, after every date I go on I'll make sure to write down the positive things about the date.
• Blind dates are awesome and we should set each other up on dates more often. Whoever decided that blind dates are unpleasant has ruined dating for most people (okay, the occasional blind date isn't that great, but 6 of my 14 dates this month have been blind dates and they've all been awesome.
• People have asked me a lot this month whether one of my dates has stood out above the rest that I really want to pursue. It's an uncomfortable question for me to answer, because I have redefined dating to a certain degree--at least for myself. I have seen so much that I'm attracted to, in each of the girls I've been out with, that there's almost no way I could make a decision to pursue one of them without going out with several of them again. Most people aren't necessarily themselves on the first date anyways. I'm astonished at how amazing all these girls have turned out to be.
  
• I get depressed whenever one of my dates hints that she thinks our date is just for the competition. I wish they could all understand that the competition is only the catalyst that gets me to ask her out. I probably wouldn't have ever gone out with half the girls I took out this month if it weren't for this competition (especially the blind dates). But every girl I asked out was someone I have wanted to take out. And I'm always looking for blind dates.
• I've had lots of conversations with Eric and Shayla about this conversation. They are incredible friends and I can guarantee that they're just as sincere about their dates as I am with mine. I have tons of respect for both of them, and know that anyone who goes out with them is lucky to spend time with them.

That's all I can think of right now (it's really late). This has been a very humbling experience, and yet very rewarding at the same time. I have absolutely no regrets about doing the competition.

Lessons for a Date-aholic

After this week I feel like the dating race should be almost over. Then I checked the calendar and realized just over one week has gone by and there are still three full weeks to go! The purpose of this post is informational--lessons I have learned from taking just a few steps into the race. So at the risk of feeling extremely vulnerable, here it is!

• I have learned that first dates are fun! They are not something to get nervous about--it's just one date. There may (and let's hope!) be second and third, etc. dates in the future that will eventually freak me out, but so far firsts have been easier than I had anticipated. In the past they have always made me a little bit nervous, but now they're just fun and I can enjoy them more than I had previously because the stress is gone.
• I have learned that I'm shorter than I realized. I mean, I've always known I'm short, but having a sister who is shorter than me I think has spoiled me. But I look at these pictures and think to myself, "Wow he's taller than I realized!" Then after that realization occurring on every picture I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm just short. Or should I say, fun-sized.
• I have learned that guys have it rougher than I'd ever given them credit for. In one week's time I've been stood up, ignored, cancelled on (some with a re-schedule, others not), avoided and other unpleasant things. It is hard not to take it personally (especially since sometimes maybe it is personal!) If I were not in this competition I am positive I would have not asked another guy out for a really long time because it's hard on the heart. Truth be told, there are many times I wanted to quit this week. But because I try to be true to my word and I told these boys I would do this, I will continue to press forward! If anything has come from the hard times this week it's my ambition to be more diligent in always following through with my commitments. Whether it's within my control or not, I see more clearly how it can affect another person.
• I have learned that Eric and Jon are fabulous people. Okay, honestly I knew this before the competition...but I feel the three of us have become even better friends through this. We talk about the good things, the bad things, the hard things, the things we didn't realize until now, the "I'm an idiot" moments and everything in between. We give each other encouragement and praise. During every one of these conversations it's reestablished in my mind what GOOD people these two young men are. They really are people who are just trying to do what's right and get out there and meet and date as many people as they can. And they are learning every bit as much as I am how good of a thing this is for all three of us (and for different reasons!)
• I have learned that people are very opinionated about this blog! This is the most controversial thing I think I have ever done. It seems as though everybody I meet has already heard about the blog from somebody else. Everyone also either loves it more than chocolate (!!!) or hates it with a burning, fiery passion. Sometimes it scares me to post about a date for fear of what others will say. It has taught me that when I feel strongly about something, especially something I'm committed to, I follow through--no matter what.
• I have learned that there are a lot of really good men out there. Sometimes, as girls, I think we get down on ourselves when we don't date a lot. Then we try to convince ourselves that maybe it's the guys' problem and not our own (I think that makes us feel better.) Sorry girls! I have been out with 10 great men! Though I am not sure why these men aren't asking some of us wonderful ladies out, I know they are out there.
• I have learned that it's okay to ask a guy out. I have had issues with this in the past. I am somewhat of a traditionalist and the last thing I want to tell my kids is that their father was a wimp and couldn't get up the courage to ask me out so I had to ask him out! Don't get me wrong, I have asked out a lot of guys in my lifetime, but for me it's not ideal. However, I have learned that 1) they are scared because it's hard (see above), 2) sometimes they just don't think to ask us out (sounds lame, but no offense guys--sometimes thinking isn't at the top of your priority list) and 3) they wait too long after they get our number and then it's weird (done that a few times so far as well).
• I've learned that I'm not good at asking on dates--in fact, I'm awkward. Goal for next time I call someone: Have a plan. Yes, that's right...I have actually called people not knowing when or what we're doing. Maybe that comes with not wanting to be the one doing the asking. It's easy for the dates I've been set up on because we just have to find a time that works for both of us, but when it's someone I actually know I should have a plan so that I don't feel so silly.

That's all the lessons I can come up with for now. I'm sure there are many more lessons to be learned over the next three weeks, so stay tuned!

Not Just a Number

There are as many ideas about dating as there are people, so I already know that not everybody who sees this blog or this post is going to be happy with the competition. However, I recognize that the way the competition is set up certainly makes it look like we're going on each date just to add another notch in our belts. Therefore, I feel like I need to explain my purposes for doing this competition and what I hope to get out of it.

The first reason is because I don't date often enough. My number one excuse for not dating is because I'm so busy throughout the week that I never think to ask anyone out for the weekend. I told Eric and Shayla that on a good month I go on 3-4 dates. On most normal months, however, I'm lucky to go on one. I hear talks like this one and know I should, but for some reason they don't motivate me as much as a little friendly competition does.

Next, there are countless times in my life when I haven't asked out a girl I was interested in. I don't know all the reasons why, but I know a few: I'm often either interested in 10 girls at once or none at all (thus I can't decide who to ask out first, or just don't care), sometimes I'm actually afraid to ask her out, and (believe it or not) sometimes I just don't have the self-confidence. I wrote down a list of girls I'd like to take out and realized that a majority of them are girls I've wanted to take out for a long time. I'm hoping the competition motivates me to ask them out and gives me enough experience that I can be comfortable doing so in the future as well.

Thirdly, I'm hoping to redefine dating (at least for myself if for no one else). I'll write more about this one later, as I have a lot to say on the topic.

Lastly, and probably the most obvious motive, I hope to get a girlfriend out of this. Okay, I know I won't get a girlfriend with just one date (I dare someone to prove me wrong). But you have to start somewhere. I can guarantee that this month I won't ask anyone out that I wouldn't normally take out (I'm pretty sure I've always been up for being set up on blind dates). I put a lot of careful consideration in who I ask out, and every girl I ask out is someone I admire. You could say I'm just hoping to rush the process by cramming a ton of dates into one month.

We could have made this competition private and not tell anyone about it. But there are a few reasons I personally prefer to include anyone reading this blog. It creates accountability--I'd only put in half the effort if not many people knew about it. I want to share what I learn with as many people as possible. Last but not least, it's fun (admit it, you like hearing about people's dating lives)!

Those are my motives. If I go out with someone who is uncomfortable about being posted on this blog (and they'll all hear about it), I won't count them toward the competition. I'm not limiting myself to only first dates this month, either. So I guess it would be easy for Eric and Shayla fans to sabotage me as a competitor. As long as I'm working toward the goals above, I don't care.

Wow, long post. If anyone is still reading this, I'd just like to say that I still want to win the competition, and will do everything I can to provide tough competition for Shayla and Eric!