As the last week is coming to a close, I'd like to say something about honesty in dating. I've wanted people to realize this for years. I hope it doesn't sound negative.
We tend to create a ton of problems in dating by trying to be nice (I'm talking most specifically about what people do when they know they're being pursued by someone that they aren't interested in). I've noticed that girls tend to be a little more sensitive than guys are when it comes to rejection. And when a guy is pursuing a girl (again, this is a generalization that doesn't apply to everyone), she puts herself in his situation and decides that it's better to let him down softly than hurt his feelings. The problem? The guy usually doesn't catch her subtle hints because he's so optimistic about the relationship he ignores negative signs. I've experienced this too many times. Don't get me wrong. Lots of guys love how sensitive girls are. It just doesn't translate well in certain situations, especially when it comes to dating.
For example: Once I had a major crush on 2 girls. At length I decided to pursue one of the girls (even though I was wild about both of them). She ignored my phone calls and made excuses for weeks before I finally pinned her down and asked her on another date. In the end she still had to tell me she wasn't interested. But she wasted so much of my time that I no longer had a chance at a relationship with the other girl (yes, I was still wild about her--and I later found out she had been wild about me at the time too). The first girl was trying to let me down softly, but she did way more damage than good.
At the end of one date I had, the girl told me at the doorstep that she wasn't interested in a second date. While there was a little sting to it, my next reaction was to give her a high five and thank her for being so honest about it. Yeah, I liked her...but if she's not interested, there isn't much I can do to change that.
Guys are sometimes guilty of this problem as well, but in my experience girls are far more commonly guilty of this (again, maybe some of you have experienced something completely different).
One thing I've noticed this month is that some girls seem to never pick up the phone. I've never been sure of whether or not to leave a message (girls, maybe you can enlighten me. I'm kind of awkward with voice messages), so I usually don't leave any messages. I think it's rude to ask someone out that way. Anyways, I don't know if these girls haven't picked up the phone because they don't want to be part of the competition (and are waiting to see if I call them next month), if they just don't want to go out with me, or if they just don't pick up the phone to unidentified phone numbers (even if that "stranger" calls them multiple times in a week). Whatever the case, I'd like to give a public response:
If you don't pick up the phone to "strangers," sometimes you miss out on good things (like a date). Just sayin...
If you don't want to go out with me, just tell me! Most guys have multiple girls they're interested in, and would appreciate knowing one of them doesn't return the feeling.
Lastly, if you are testing me to see if I ask you out in February (to see if I was sincere about the date and not just asking you out for the competition), you may be disappointed. It's not about whether or not I really want to go out with you; it's about whether or not I think you want to go out with me. In case you haven't noticed, I've been out with a lot of amazing girls--most of which I'd like to have follow-up dates with. You have to realize that there are other girls who haven't avoided me that I'm interested in. If I called you to ask you out, I wanted to take you out, but I can't say I will want to take you out when I start going on follow-up dates with these other girls.
Disclaimer: I realize that some girl who reads this is likely to have a bad experience being honest about her feelings toward someone, and he will overreact, get defensive, cry, whatever. I am sorry if it happens to you--it's the exception to the rule. Almost every guy I know (even sensitive guys) would much rather have an honest open conversation about it than have the girl be to afraid of hurting his feelings.
I'm excited to see who wins the race (I'm afraid I'm not closing the gap fast enough), and what happens to our (Shayla, Eric and my) dating life in the next several weeks. Shayla, you're on! :)
We tend to create a ton of problems in dating by trying to be nice (I'm talking most specifically about what people do when they know they're being pursued by someone that they aren't interested in). I've noticed that girls tend to be a little more sensitive than guys are when it comes to rejection. And when a guy is pursuing a girl (again, this is a generalization that doesn't apply to everyone), she puts herself in his situation and decides that it's better to let him down softly than hurt his feelings. The problem? The guy usually doesn't catch her subtle hints because he's so optimistic about the relationship he ignores negative signs. I've experienced this too many times. Don't get me wrong. Lots of guys love how sensitive girls are. It just doesn't translate well in certain situations, especially when it comes to dating.
For example: Once I had a major crush on 2 girls. At length I decided to pursue one of the girls (even though I was wild about both of them). She ignored my phone calls and made excuses for weeks before I finally pinned her down and asked her on another date. In the end she still had to tell me she wasn't interested. But she wasted so much of my time that I no longer had a chance at a relationship with the other girl (yes, I was still wild about her--and I later found out she had been wild about me at the time too). The first girl was trying to let me down softly, but she did way more damage than good.
At the end of one date I had, the girl told me at the doorstep that she wasn't interested in a second date. While there was a little sting to it, my next reaction was to give her a high five and thank her for being so honest about it. Yeah, I liked her...but if she's not interested, there isn't much I can do to change that.
Guys are sometimes guilty of this problem as well, but in my experience girls are far more commonly guilty of this (again, maybe some of you have experienced something completely different).
One thing I've noticed this month is that some girls seem to never pick up the phone. I've never been sure of whether or not to leave a message (girls, maybe you can enlighten me. I'm kind of awkward with voice messages), so I usually don't leave any messages. I think it's rude to ask someone out that way. Anyways, I don't know if these girls haven't picked up the phone because they don't want to be part of the competition (and are waiting to see if I call them next month), if they just don't want to go out with me, or if they just don't pick up the phone to unidentified phone numbers (even if that "stranger" calls them multiple times in a week). Whatever the case, I'd like to give a public response:
If you don't pick up the phone to "strangers," sometimes you miss out on good things (like a date). Just sayin...
If you don't want to go out with me, just tell me! Most guys have multiple girls they're interested in, and would appreciate knowing one of them doesn't return the feeling.
Lastly, if you are testing me to see if I ask you out in February (to see if I was sincere about the date and not just asking you out for the competition), you may be disappointed. It's not about whether or not I really want to go out with you; it's about whether or not I think you want to go out with me. In case you haven't noticed, I've been out with a lot of amazing girls--most of which I'd like to have follow-up dates with. You have to realize that there are other girls who haven't avoided me that I'm interested in. If I called you to ask you out, I wanted to take you out, but I can't say I will want to take you out when I start going on follow-up dates with these other girls.
Disclaimer: I realize that some girl who reads this is likely to have a bad experience being honest about her feelings toward someone, and he will overreact, get defensive, cry, whatever. I am sorry if it happens to you--it's the exception to the rule. Almost every guy I know (even sensitive guys) would much rather have an honest open conversation about it than have the girl be to afraid of hurting his feelings.
I'm excited to see who wins the race (I'm afraid I'm not closing the gap fast enough), and what happens to our (Shayla, Eric and my) dating life in the next several weeks. Shayla, you're on! :)
8 comments:
Cool post. First, I think you should leave messages. I feel so dumb when I have to, but I'd rather the girl know who's calling, and that I'm actually interested in talking to her. If it's someone I've been set up with, I tell them I'll call back soon in the first message, and then if I have to leave another, I ask them to call me back. You don't have to actually ask them out, but you can say "Hey, I wanted to see if you'll be available to go out sometime" and then figure it out later. The girls will probably give you better advice still, but that's what I think.
Second, I love it when girls are honest. I've been turned down a few times, and each time, it's been a little hard at first, but SO worth it when I know how they feel. It's nice because you can still talk to the girl after that and be friends. If she delays, that's much harder. I sometimes wish we could just talk to each other about how we feel about each other without being so worried about embarrassment or rejection - oh wait, we can, we just usually don't. :)
1. Leave a message
However, I just listened to a message last night from a young man from LAST WEEK and in the message he was asking me out to dinner. Somehow I managed to reject a man without ever even knowing he was asking me out. To support your honesty theory, I would have politely declined this particular invitation due to knowing 110% I would never date the young man, but still! Some girls don't listen to their messages.
2. I don't answer unknown numbers. So, again, leave a message.
If I get a message and hear who it is and they ask me to call them back, I do. I've noticed that most men will typically call once, then leave a message if they still don't read me on the second try.
3. Call back anyway - she may not know your # AND may not listen to the message. I gotta say, if an unknown number calls me 3 times, I will pick up the phone and call them just to find out who it is.
4. Do not ask for the date in the message.
Just ask her to call you back - I know what a guy wants when he leaves a message a certain way - no surprises there. I'll typically call him back.
5. Back to honesty - I had a guy who asked me out a couple of times, then decided to pursue someone else. I asked him about it, he fessed up, and now he is one of my bestest friends!
6. I think you are all awesome. I do miss my Shayla more than anyone though, I have to say - cause this whole dating race has taken her away from hanging out with anyone - male or female. I think you need to have a certain amount of hanging out to get to know people you are potentially interested in to see if you even have enough attraction mentally as well to invest an evening/afternoon/whatever with them. Just my opinion.
I was just talking to my friend about some of these things. I totally prefer when I get to reject the guy after the first date when he asks me out again on the doorstep. That sounds bratty, but it's better than waiting for him to call. But also, if he rejects me after the first date, I don't have to spend my time wondering if I did enough to "prove" myself - interested or not. Forgive me if this didn't make any sense.
And yes, leave a message. I have an out of state number. I know when someone calls from Utah that it's not just a coincidence. Leave a message. It's better than calling back with "Hi, I missed a call from this number..."
I guess I'm just here to say DITTO to what everyone has already said about leaving messages. If I get a missed call from an unknown number without a message, I automatically assume it wasn't important or it was some business trying to take my money. ie: I am not going to call it back just to see if it was my prince charming. Plus, messages are fun to listen to. Even if all you say is "hey, it's Jon, Call me back when you get a chance." the mystery is hard for us curious young ladies to resist.
Just my two cents.
Thanks for setting me straight on whether or not it's okay to leave messages. However if you notice the same phone number calling your phone once or twice a day, at different hours, it's extremely rude and offensive to not pick up the phone, call back, or text to find out who it is. Keep in mind that up until now I thought it was rude to leave a message when trying to ask a date out. It's offensive that half the girls I called should have had my number plugged into their phones, but apparently don't. It's offensive that other girls had answered their phone the first time I called them, early on in the month, and gave me what sounded like legitimate excuses to not go on the date, but would never pick up the phone for me again. I'm really mad at whoever came up with the idea that you should only answer the phone if the number is saved in your phone. It's just one more excuse for girls to not tell a guy how they really feel!
I'd have to say that Zannah has it right on. I rarely pick up a number I don't know, even if they call two or three times a day. Some sales people are VERY pushy, that, and I've had experiences where someone thought I was someone else and wouldn't believe my voice mail message.
My advice would be to leave a message on the second call asking her to call you back. Then call her again with another message within a day or two. If she doesn't call you back, or doesn't answer, assume she's not interested and move on.
As for the honesty thing, I'm really grateful to the guys that told me they weren't interested in me back when I was single. You're right! Why waste time/money on a person that's not interested?
Amen Jon and the rest of you. If honesty can not be employed from the get go, how can we expect to be able to further a relationship whose firm foundation is honesty. And especially for us guys who make themselves extremely busy so they only have time to really focus on one girl, it would be nice to know that they're not interested so effort is not wasted. I probably haven't been as honest as I could have been, but I'm trying to be better, but also in all honesty, guys can be pretty oblivious, myself included.
Hey Jon, I'm an old friend of Shayla's. When I was single, I used to do that to guys (not be honest and try really hard to avoid them because I didn't want to hurt their feelings). It took me a while to realize that it hurts people more to drag it out and avoid coming out with your feelings. Anyway, good thoughts.
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